The development of aesthetic
trends throughout history has proven to be a curious, rather
bizarre process. After some careful consideration, one thing becomes increasingly evident: the
prominent role of the mustache (and
cloaks. Never forget
cloaks.).
So, without further ado, this installment of The Hopeless
Historian will serve as tribute to some of history’s finest
mustaches, the
men
who sported them, and their greatest achievements—facilitated, of course, by
their distinguished nose neighbors.
Starting off with a bang, and a big one at that. Checking in
at 335 lbs (Sotos, "Taft and Pickwick"),
Taft served not only as the 27th President of the United States (1909-13), but
also as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court (1921-30). As if his ascension to
the top of the Executive & Legislative Branches wasn’t enough on its own,
Taft was also the last president to sport a ‘stache—or any form of facial hair,
for that matter (I’m looking at you,
Obama).
Chamberlain was literally a walrus—and a valiant one, at
that. Having enlisted in the Union Army with no prior military training in
1862, Chamberlain achieved acclaim the very next year at the Battle of
Gettysburg. He led the 20th Maine Regiment’s critical defense of Little Round
Top—preserving the union’s left flank against repeated Confederate assaults
with nothing to hide behind but his mustache (Simpson, "Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain").
Twelve long years after Soviet cosmonaut Yuri Gagarin became
the first human being to venture into outer space, Owen K. Garriott became the
first human being to wear a mustache in outer space. On July 28, 1973, Garriott
and two other astronauts began their 59-day flight (Grinter, "Skylab 3"). Termed Skylab 3, the mission
was more than twice as long as the previous record holder, and 59 days longer
than any previous mustache-clad mission.
Honorable Mention:
Leonid Brezhnev’s Eyebrow
Dishonorable Mention:
Michael Jordan’s Hitler ‘Stache
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